Sketches

Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn.
- Benjamin Franklin

 I must try to unlock the potential for greater things within me.  The Disciple has said that while he can teach me methods to harness what power I have, it is the discovery of that power that is for me to make.

Refusal to believe until proof is given is a rational position; denial of all outside of our own limited experience is absurd.
- Annie Besant, English Reformer

Well, either the Disciple is telling the truth, or I am batshit insane.  And if I'm insane, might as well go along for the ride.

I told him I needed proof.  I needed something that couldn't be in the realm of human experience.  Something so out there, it had to be true.  He said it would be dangerous, but I was ready to take on any danger.  He also said I would have to sacrifice something of myself, be willing to give my blood, before he could do it.  I agreed.

Then he pulled back his hood, and removed his gloves.  I had only ever seen his chin while he was talking, and I assumed it was just a trick of light and shadow.  But as he pushed back the cowl, I saw that his face was a patchwork of...of is and not, of there and not there, of presence and absence.  It was as if Claude Rains was standing there, only not just were the robes floating in air, half of his body was too.  In some places, I could see bones, muscles, skin...in others, the light shown right through.  It was as if his body were nothing, and was riddled with veins of reality, shooting through him to show glimpses of flesh.

After giving me a minute to absorb what I had seen, he drew my eyes to his arm, where a bandage was wrapped around it.  The bandage was used, one that I had discarded after an injury during our practice.  The area around the bandage was nothing, but as he began to remove it, I could that underneath he was fully formed.  He reached out, and pricked my finger with a knife, and as the blood dripped on the nothingness and ran down what would be his arm, he began to come into being...skin, muscle, bone, formed under its path.

I was speechless, but his words broke the silence.  "Is this the proof you seek?"  I nodded, and he held out the vial he wore around his neck.  He had told me before it held the blood of the First Disciple, which gave him form and substance.  I could see it was almost empty, and he drained the last of it in front of me.  I did refill it, although I had not the discipline to do the deed myself, and tears rolled down my face as he plunged the knife into me. 

There is some part of me that still resists, that wants to go back to the ordinary.  But it would be as foolish of me to insist that what is truly real is not, as to insist that what is mere shadow is reality.

Written in a bound paper journal

Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.
- Erich Fromm, German Philosopher

A Strange New World indeed.  The last couple of days have been the journey of a thousand life times.  The Disciple insisted that if we returned to my home, the vampire would find us.  He cautioned not to stay long in a single place, "until you can walk the path between worlds."  So we have been moving from motel to motel, to campgrounds, to the wilderness, and back again.  All the money and possessions I have in the world are in my pocket and on my back.

He trains me to fight, with knife and with staff.   He pushes me a little harder each day, and I seem to do things I would not have thought possible of me before.  At night, I go to sleep, sore and battered, yet rise on the morning as fresh as if I had rested in the finest hotel.  As for him, I have seen him neither eat, nor sleep, nor attend to the most basic of necessities.

He teaches me meditation as well, but so far it seems to yeild nothing but an empty mind.  I wonder at times what I have gotten myself into, yet so far he has not lead me astray.  It seems we are doing the impossible, but...

But, but, but, but, but...we are walking on the razor's edge between what must be real, and what must be fiction.

I must have proof.  Something, anything, that surely cuts across reality and shows, once and for all, that the impossible is, in fact, possible. 

Written on a piece of stationary from Motel 6.

“There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there.”
 - Albert Einstein

So...today has been...a journey.  I don't think the world is ready for what I have to say, but I have to write it down, if only to keep myself somewhat sane.  So I'm going to start a journal.  For now, I just have this crappy hotel stationary, but tomorrow I'll make sure and buy a nice journal, maybe staple these pages in the front.

So, it had been raining all day at work.  I kept seeing "that guy" out of the corner of my eye, and once, I swear I saw a robed, hooded figure outside, walking in front of the glass entry doors.  I was just getting ready to start my closing routine when the hooded figure appeared in my computer!  It scared me, and I started.  It was only for a minute, though, so I figured I just had a virus.  I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to tech support when a kid called me over ot help him on one of the workstations.

We were just starting to move from the "helping" phase to the "doing your work for you" phase when the hooded man walked in the front door of the library.  I asked him if I could help him, and he said he was here to teach and serve his master, then he kneeled in front of me.  The kid turned and asked me another question, and I told him I wasn't talking to him.  Then he started saying something about not noticing I was on my cell phone.  It was when I was telling him there was no cell phone use in the library that I finally realized he couldn't see or hear the man in front of me...or at least he was acting like it.

I was convinced it was just a prank now, so I moved my foot a little and kicked the man in front of me.  He was definitely there.  I could feel him.  He asks me if I wish him to move, again calling me Master.  So, I motion towards the back office, in case anyone else could see me...and couldn't see him.  I was already feeling crazy, didn't want to give anyone else that impression.  We walked to the office, passing some coworkers on the way, who also acted as if he wasn't there.  While the kid might have been trying some prank, I doubt they were in on it.  It was just getting weirder and weirder.

I closed the door, and asked him why no one could see him.  He said something about them being only "Shadow," and so they couldn't pierce his veil.  So I asked him more...and he told me.  I don't think I can even remember how everything went, but he insisted I was a goddess, and he had to teach me to use my powers because I was in danger, and without me the whole world was in danger.  It was all very heady, so after a couple of minutes, I decided perhaps it was a discussion better had at home.  Besides, it didn't seem like I was gonna be able to stop this...guy?...from following me anyway.

When we went to leave, Wanda walked right into him as we walked out of the door, and fell to the floor.  As I helped her up, she also acted like nothing was there...like she had tripped, or stumbled.  I didn't know what to make of it (not sure I do now either), so I just decided to head home.

We slogged home through the rain, with the disciple (that's what he calls himself) complaining that it wasn't safe to be out in the open.  I told him if he wanted us to drive a car, he could pay for it.  His answer to that was to tell me that I could have anything I put my mind to...literally.  I wanted to ask more about it, but when we got home, the apartment had been broken into.  Freedo was no where to be seen, and Rizzo's cage was knocked over.

The disciple insisted this was the work of a "vampire,'  who fed off my god-ness, and was trying to take my stuff.  He said that thing was going to kill my pets.  There was no way I was letting that happen, so against his objections, I told him to find Freedo and Rizzo.  He tried to tell me I wasn't strong enough to face this guy, but I wasn't gonna let him hurt them.  Luckily, we didn't have to go to far.  Freedo had somehow managed to pick up Rizzo and jump out the window and onto another balcony.  We found him there, wet and shivering, and the disciple just jumped over there, grabbed them both with one hand, and jumped back to the window, grabbing it easily with the other...all while we were ten floors above the ground!  Quite a display.

Once everyone was safe inside, I started questioning him more.  Again, he insisted I was a goddess, and that I had powers he had to train me to use.  He said the guy I had been seeing was this vampire thing, and that he would continue to hunt me down.  I was finding this all hard to believe, so I asked him about this world I was supposed to be goddess of, and about these shadows he kept talking about.  Apparently, once there was nothing - he called it void.  (Big surprise.)  Then, into the void came thought...chaos.  Then, will to shape that thought.  And the first gods used their will to shape the thought into a city, which cast its reflection into the chaos a thousand thousand times over, creating these "shadow" realities, like the one we were in.  But the city was destroyed by the gods in a great act of betrayal, and soon they, themselves, were destroyed as well.  Internecine struggles and all that.  But...the gods had spread their seed throughout these shadows, and I had a small part of the gods in me, and that made me a god as well.  Supposedly, one of the few "real" things in all of these shadows.

Oh...and because the city was destroyed, the original void was taking over the universe, and the only one who could stop it was...me.  And any other gods that might be left...once I/we learned these powers he's supposed to teach me.  When I asked about him, he said he had once been with a god of war, and become more real, but he was broken now, and a disciple at this monastery where they took oaths to seek out these children of the gods so we could fix the world.  Great.  No problem.  I'll get right on that, and then we'll have dinner.

Throughout all this exposition, he kept insisting that I was in danger, and I had to learn these powers that he would teach me, that it was the only thing that could protect me.  And he offered to prove it to me.  Why not?  What have I got to lose?  We went over to move some of the furniture in the living room, so we could start.  When we picked up the couch, Freedo got under it...and then he let go of his end!  I tried to yell at Freedo to move..and then I noticed.  I was holding up the couch by myself!  I almost dropped it again in surprise.  It was tough, but I was holding up a couch!  Maybe he had something going for him, so I told him to go ahead and teach me.  Then he tells me he doesn't know what powers I have!  That only I do.  God!  Mr. Miyagi wasn't half this bad.

We must had gone round and round on that, with me asking what I could do, and him saying only I could know, and that if I didn't believe I could do it, I wouldn't be able to.  How frustrating!  Finally, I gave up on that, and started asking about him, and why he didn't just show up the first or second time I saw him.  He seemed surprise, and when I told him more about exactly what happened from my point of view, he said he had an idea what my power was.

So we spent the next hour or so doing some exercise where he had me look in a mirror, then visualize what's in the mirror, like I was supposed to visualize something else than what was actually there, and it would work.  Obviously, it didn't.  So he tried something else.  He had me close my eyes, and sketch the "vampire," then try to visualize him in the mirror.  I tried for what seemed like forever, and it seemed like nothing was happening.  Until I opened my eyes.  Then I saw him in the window!  And in the TV, and in the glass door of the bookcase...everywhere I looked, he was in the reflections, taunting me from the corners of my eyes.  The disciple quickly tore up the paper, and said that I had found his mind.  And that it was no longer safe.

After some back and forth, I agreed to stay in a hotel for the night, and we found a motel six nearby that would take pets.  He said he didn't need to rest, and would stand guard...and that he is.  I don't know if I can fall asleep with someone in the room like this, but at least Freedo and Rizzo are here.

I leave you with this, my future reader, myself...

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you."
- Charlie Brown to Snoopy

Strange things are happening...

It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.
- Frederick Douglass

Well,  I'm finally at work after a long night, and it's all I can do to stay awake at my keyboard.  The rain this morning didn't help anything.

Last night, I took Freedo to the park after work.  Normally, he's great around both dogs and people, but today he was getting all kinds of worked up.  Every time someone would start to come near us, the hair would stand on the back of his neck, and he'd start growling. 


I tried just taking him to a less occupied part of the park, but by then, his anxiety was starting to spread to me.  I felt the hairs on the back of my neck standing, and I swore there was someone standing behind me, but every time I turned around, there was no one there.


The wind started to pick up, and the sky was turning dark, so I decided to head home.  I still couldn't shake that feeling, and must have turned around ten times in two blocks.  The sky opened up as we neared the apartment, and I almost decided to run for it, but I was afraid I would slip...and it might get me.  (Silly me!)

We finally got home, after what seemed like forever, and I decided to order in, although Freedo would barely let the delivery guy stand in the doorway.  I almost locked him in the other room.  I tried going to sleep early, but the storm rattled our windows all night, and Freedo was constantly pacing back and forth.  Between that, and the squeak of Rizzo's wheel...it was a long night.

And now for something completely different...

It's difficult to understand why people don't realize that pets are gifts to mankind.
- Linda Blair 

Freedo and Rizzo, hanging out...

Sometimes I Feel Like...

Somebody's Watching Me.
- Rockwell

Ok, first it was the weird spider thing, and now it always feels like I have eyes, boring into my back.  But when I turn around...nothing.  Just patrons, going about their day, doing their thing.  It's gotten to where I try to avoid going in the stacks by myself...especially the Sacramento Room.  There's never anyone in there, and it seemed a little spooky before...

I need a drink, or a hug.  Maybe I'll take Freedo to the dog park after work.  We would both enjoy the sun.

Wild Eyes

“I have drunk, and seen the spider.”
- William Shakespeare

Today was an ordinary day at the library...one or two noisy patrons...some kids who wanted me to do all their work for them...all in all, nothing special.

Except... (Isn't that always the case?)

I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye, but every time I moved to look at it, it was gone.  It was like there was  a spider constantly trying to sneak up on me, but scuttling up his silk every time I turned.  Maybe I need to get my eye checked.  Or maybe I drank too much, like my friend The Bard.  If only :)

Ordinary Day

The ordinary acts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest. 
- Thomas Moore 
Irish poet (1779 - 1852)

I usually get up around 8 o'clock, and first things first, have to take Freedo for a walk so he can do "his business."  After that is feeding Rizzo and breakfast, usually yogurt, some fruit, and maybe a croissant from La Bou.  Library hours have been cut some lately, so most mornings I have time to get some swimming or strength training in before work.  I walk to work, and stop for a cup of coffee on the way.

Work is...well, work.  I love being in the stacks, but the patrons seem to be more and more trying lately.  All the questions I get are about how to sign up for the computers, or why they're down, or how to find something online.  Not that I have a problem with computers or anything, but sometimes I wonder when the last time these people read a real book was.  Curling up in a comfy chair with a laptop just doesn't have the same feeling.  And it seems like the more time people spend on the computer, the less time they spend on social niceties.

Today, we had an outage with our network connections.  There was a water main break down the street, and our network connection was gonna be out until at least three or four o'clock.  I had this woman, screaming in my face, because she couldn't use the computer to find information for her child's report on Madagascar.  I told her that the encyclopedia was available, and offered to show her how to search our catalog for information on the country.  She exploded.  "This is a library!  Why aren't the computers working?  Why can't I look things up?  My money is paying your salary!"  Oh, and "Do you think I'm stupid or something?  That I don't know how to look something up?  It's because I'm black, isn't it?"  God, I hate it when they say that.  No, I don't think you're stupid, and no, it's not because you're black.  I'm just trying to do my job, and that includes showing people how to find information.  I'm good at it, in fact.  Damn good at it.  I could find anything you needed to know in this library, or where to go if it's not here.

Ugh!  Some days, I can't wait to get home, and curl up with a good book.